


How'd you get in!!!??

by ScotCoyjedii



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angry Thorin Oakenshield, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, BAMF Thorin, Drunk!Thorin, F/M, Female Bilbo, Gen, Lets see how this turns out, Like a sailor, Multi, Other, Swearing, Thorin Is an Idiot, and a drunken one at that, shall we?, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-19
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-04 23:15:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4156611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScotCoyjedii/pseuds/ScotCoyjedii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Thorin has a gun and is drunk slightly (define slightly).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Hobbit who stole it all

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this page (I think its a blog but then again I'm not an expert on these things), this is why I had to do this:  
> http://beta.diary.ru/~LedyAribet/p184805224.htm?oam
> 
>  
> 
> It says their was a one shot she wrote but the page is only half translated via translator. Inspired by the drawing yes, the fanfiction (which was translated) "Delirium Tremens" no. If you look at it you'll know what I mean, except I have an addiction for a female!Bilbo and Bagginshield, wait that didn't come out right. Ah well, happens.
> 
>  
> 
> I own nothing!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and Gandalf is like 3rd person POV. Because he's awesome and far nicer then Saruman the White.

Belladonna Baggins II or going by her thief,con artist, freeloader and general terrible person (minus the murdering she doesn't do that) street name "Bilbo". Technically Bilbo was her Hobbitish middle name but no one would ever know that she was female either. She drove the cops bonkers with her leading them astray down false leads and never reaching her. She found it quite amusing after all they made it so easy to mess shit up, they missed a clue a simple one, they fumbled, they screwed the fuck up and chaos ensued. I watched from afar it was like watching a movie only better because it was real and they were such idiots.

 

I gave Bag End to Drogo and Primela to look after for a while while I made trouble in the city. As a retired ninja I became a cat burglar of food from peoples houses especially the exceptionally rich bastards. Always from those ungrateful lot looking down upon those who live in poverty and those who are starving in blue collar society class.

As one of my neighborhood watchers basically homeless kids, runaways and the like they managed to survive life out on the street by banding together in very large numbers. I managed to use my affluence to teach them the way of the honorable ninja to protect themselves and I educated many of them teaching them to read and write. They came to me in their hide out a old warehouse I owned and inherited on the water front. I allowed trade to occur on the lower levels making food and other objects of necessity to be sold at a lower price than what others sell at. Illegal yes, profitable very much so I use that money to upkeep the entire place and provide for my many tenants. From the very large bathrooms to the palace of clean! Basically a shower and bath the daily necessity are provided here. 

 

Being handed a paper by the human named Sherlock(what a ridicules name) my best and brightest spy and one of my many star pupil's he already could read and write in many different tongues. From elvish to Khuzdul (something he learned on his own time considering how secretive those dwarrow's are) he learned them all and understood it fluently. The title the Daily Times on the front page was in bold letters with a colored photograph of the bastard dwarf lord so haughty, high and mighty while we STARVE! Confound and confiscate these bloody dwarves! 

 

'Thorin Oakenshield saves Nori and Ori of the house Ri' was the title the house of Ri were apparently distantly related to Thorin himself through their mother I believe who died because of a copperhead bite. 

 

 

"Oh my I just found my next rich bastard to strike next." I grinned handing the paper back after I clipped the dwarves photo from the front page. We headed back to 'the room' it was basically our functioning war room the center of which was a area that was a holographic map of the entire city of Ered Luin.

 

"Where is Thorin Oakenshield's home?"I asked looking over the holographic city with my intense green eyes focused on the mission at hand.

 

"Says right here 345 C, Main street; apartment building 'the Rose Corner'." Sherlock noted looking through some records on his tablet.

 

"Computer show apartment layout of the address: 345 C main street Rose Corner apartment building." I asked the holographic image focused and changed to very large image of the layout the main flat in red.

 

"Pinpoint any an all entry's and exits."

 

'Affirmative' The computer voice said in a silky female voice. Highlighting every entry in yellow thirteen skylights, a fire escape and a front door.

 

"Bingo. And the mission is a go."I said grinning.

 

Meanwhile Thorin came home from a long day at work laughing at some crude jokes Dwalin made and Balin chuckled alongside his cousin, while Thorin unlocked the front door to his apartment. Finding the place not trashed but someone redecorated it to their tastes not in a good way.

 

'Your an idiot and the Thief will steal from who ever he sees fit so you will never catch me ever! I will rob you blind.' Painted on his main wall in red spray paint.

 

"Oh shit." Dwalin growled.

 

 

"The thief Bilbo it could only be him!" Dwalin snarled.

 

A week later the words were painted over and by the two week mark Thorin left his home guarded by dogs. Whom he found were no match as they were tranquilized by the thief. Who came in and stole all of his food, his father's dwarven ring and several other jewelry that Thorin had yet to take inventory of. The thief had left him with only one dog when he had three. He stole two of his three guard dogs?!

He took out his dwarven ale a bottle of "Old Mountain Fox" and a glass going as far to get drunk. Why he did it we may never know (or care really) because their doesn't need to be a reason to get drunk. As he took to pour himself some of that fine brew.

 

Just as the skylight above was opened silently by the returning offender and her accomplices. He managed to have himself four or five glasses of the fine brew before he noticed someone was sliding down; invisible for the moment it seemed that way as he could hear someone sliding down it. The distinct sound of rode and sliding was something you couldn't miss. To the robber who wore the power of not the One ring ,but of the blessed ring called the Dragon Ring. Forged by the flames of true dragon(unbeknownst to him) gifted by their creator with the power of invisibility. Serving a master who had good intentions at heart and would destroy anyone with (pure)evil intentions. 

 

Thorin in his drunken stupor was seeing double already something he shook off with ease like he'd been doing it all his life. _Stupid idiot getting drunk while we are committing a robbery. I didn't expect him to be home so early we ended up watching his house a week or two before this robbery to get a idea of all his habits, his coming and goings. And this appearance was unexpected! It ruined my plans of not getting caught._ Bella thought silently.

Thorin was completely unexpected by her as he noticed and shugging off his own drunkenness went to get his Zigana Sport handgun loading the black gun with a new magazine, the nine millimeter handgun with (usually) a bicolored option, but in Thorin's case it was all black. The unique part was the company that manufactured it "Tisas", didn't seem to have taken inspiration from another design of handgun in existence. The handgun being completely unique in design a feat that is indeed something to be proud of. The three angled tic tac shaped holes on the upper barrel of each side of the gun seem to be proof of their genius as well, it was a high performance gun that has been looked upon fondly by those who own one and critics of guns. 

 

-Thorin POV-

The thief appeared before me hands up the ring off his finger I noticed the shape of the ring ,it looked like a dragon devouring its tail. Putting the ring back in his pocket as I pointed the gun at him.

 

"You bastard! You stole from me!"I managed to get out without slurring my words.

 

"While those out on the street starve! You deserved everything you got from me a indirect beat down of your over grown ego. After all you are just one of many victims of my thieving ways." He sounded like a 'she'.

 

"Your female!"I yelled, exceptionally surprised. I hadn't seen that coming course I hadn't expected loosing two dogs to her genius master plan though I wouldn't be caught dead saying that out loud. 

 

"Duh ,you fucking moron!" she said snidely a sneer upon her very pretty face. If it wasn't for the fact she looked like a curly haired short elf and the fact she stole from him he probably would've dated her. Then break her heart like he usually did without meaning to. 

 

 

"Missing something? This will fetch a nice price on the market, too bad mate." she said holding up the Arkenstone to the light above the table that I was drinking at. Before she waved the prized family jewel the Arkenstone in my face putting it in her pocket. I realized that I only had shorts on I had undressed into more comfortable attire usually that meant getting out of my business suit putting them in the laundry bin and putting on shorts. A deep Durin blue color with a dwarven blocked design on the silky feeling shorts she believed herself to have the upper hand but in fact we had one. A plan to counter her plan. Hopefully.

 

"Now!" I shouted giving the go ahead for Dwalin. The signal was off just as Dwalin came in with his fellow dwarrows on the force and Gandalf who found it necessary to come with us.

 

"Belladonna!"Gandalf was surprised to find out she was involved. Why did I feel strange around her it surely wasn't normal especially around some thief that stole my families most prized possession: the Arkenstone. Its the only thing that keeps the elves, dwarves and humans in an alliance however archaic it is. 

 

"No one calls me that anymore."she said coolly, likely her code name was Bilbo for a reason. What reason I really didn't care.  
She took the bottle of molotov cocktail and shattered it a few feet in front of the door much to everyone's shock. Fire and flamamable objects bad, even a complete idiot knows that.

 

"I've had it with your pompous lot watching my friend's starve because of you greedy lot! Always the pathetic line of Durin, bah! Rot in Mount Doom. _**No burn with me."**_ She spat. Taking the alcohol bottle from the table and hitting a now terrified looking at the fire spread in shock unawares. Hitting me with the bottle in the back of the head shattering on impact.

-Gandalf's POV_

She left along with my comrades down a fire escape with a flat screen tv and several other valuables and antique weapons. Swords, bows, and a lot of guns. Apparently he was a gun nut.

 

 

"Thorin!" Dwalin ran over once Gandalf managed to put out the flames with his walking stick that had magical ability.

 

"Find her you idiots!"Dwalin roared to his subordinates who swiftly ran down the fire escape. She and her partners in crime were _looooonnnnnggg_ gone by that time. At least they didn't steal the larger furniture other than a single flat screen tv.  
She was lucky he was only unconscious otherwise Dwalin would have killed her if it wasn't the case(dwarven sensibilities kind of leave you when you are avenging someone). 

 

"Aye sir."the curt reply came from his men before they ran after her down the two story fire escape. They came back unable to find her or her co-conspirators as I expected she was the last person I expected to be involved in the mass thievery. 

 

_Thorin's POV_

"Dwalin wh-what happened?"I asked when I came to. My sister Dís, Óin,Fíli,Víli,Kíli, Tokora Stormfury,and my younger brother Frerin Ironspear. Tokora seemed to be playing chess with a chessboard and ...shot glasses filled with alcohol or was that some other beverage? Against my brother who was a chess playing champion, she was making a weird face (her thinking hard expression) she was well known for her infamous tactics on the battle field. She descended fast and hard upon her enemy making them wonder how many her military had. All of them had required military training that went beyond our own soldiers military training. "Check mate." Tokora said taking his king. 

 

"You took a nasty hit to the head didn't help you were drunk."Óin stated lucky he had a hearing aid (and new batteries or he would need a ear horn).

 

"Damn it Thorin!" It was Dis. His terrifying sister.

 

"She stole everything!" She ranted glaring at him she was his over bearing sister who was feared by both of her elder brothers. She resembled our mother in personality but looked like a female version of myself except with green eyes. A longer beard and magnificent side burns she had braided. Gandalf stood next to her in a grey suit with his carved cane with a deep blue gem at its tip which he leaned on without breaking it. 

 

_WHy did that thief make my heart beat faster? Why did I not pull the trigger as I have done so many other times to those bloody orcs? That elven looking bitch, why do I feel this way like she bewitched me with those intense green eyes. They looked so ...sad. So miserable. Why was she so miserable? She stole everything from me yet I have a feeling not only do I have terrible taste in women but it seems that I am smitten with her._

 

I can't really say how much I just wanted her this undeniable urge, I just wanted her. Why? I did find her again soon afterwards and she was shocked. One cannot ignore the call of the Blood fever and neither can I, never could. Either follow it or you die slowly and painfully losing sight of all that matters except the one that you saw that began the Blood fever.

 

"Bella."I breathed when I found her again.

 

"Your weird."She giggled.

 

"I should thank you for that."She took me to her warehouse. What went on inside was a surprise to someone of my own status.

"Impressive ain't it?"She asked me teasingly, winking at me causing myself to blush involuntarily. 

"I know why you are here." She said snapping my attention back to reality.

 

 

"You do?" I asked sheepishly.

 

 

"You really are a good looking Lordling and all." She grumbled.

"How could you tell?"

 

 

"Your eyes." Was all she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank Gengis Khan for this, yeah Idk anymore. (Jk) XD  
> Really he just wanted to unite his people a feat that no other person tried before him that was a Mongol. Its complicated, what does it say when he still believed that he failed in his mission to unite his people on his death bed? Greatness lies in all of us we just have to decide how we are going to use it.  
> Update: I fixed some grammar issues and made it a bit clearer.


	2. She defied logic  and loved deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin is touched by how much she cared for his people. Deeper than he ever thought was possible.  
> Dwalin gets suspicious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its going to get good. XD because I'm evil!  
> Oh and surprise! Ori is a girl, I ruined the moment. XD

Thorin was surprised of her illicit, illegal and very large enterprise going on right under our noses. He couldn't help feeling in awe of her compassion something he sorrowfully lacked. At times he wondered why he was so attracted to someone so different. He then decided it didn't matter, everything he dreamed about everything that he wanted to do just fell away.

She was the only thing on his mind not for selfish purposes not to recover the Arkenstone that he did loose to her hand. He couldn't deny it. He never did tell anyone where he had been nor did anyone ever find out not even Dwalin knew. Dwalin was a bit blind when it came to Thorin he never figured that his own Prince would be lying to protect some one even if theft was a misdemeanor. Theft from royals however was at least a Federal crime of the third degree resulting in five years in prison at the worst.

 

 

"Thorin your late again." Dwalin noted as his friend walked into their favorite bar "the Black wolf" which also serves as a favorite after work eatery of theirs. He was already on his second beer Thorin ordered some late night coffee and a T bone steak (the spicy one on the menu).

 

 

"You got out of work three hours ago you know your starting to worry me."

 

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Thorin teased. Dwalin just looked at him dumbfounded there was something seriously wrong with his friend he never did this before! They were part of the fearsome twosome , bachelors for life kind of club. With Thorin not his usual grumpy and emotionally constipated (in Dis's word not Dwalin's) self it made him wonder did Thorin get another girlfriend who was a slut with good sex and probably a cheater like the last one was?

 

 

"You got yourself girl didn't cha?"

 

"Its obvious ain't it?" Thorin deflated a bit. As the server got Dwalin another beer and put down Thorin's coffee with creamer in a small bowl piled up like little round-ish containers.

 

"I thought you called it quits on woman the last one was a slut and cheated on you three times even when she said she quit."Dwalin mentioned making Thorin flinch. He dumped into his steaming cup o' joe two creamers and three of those restaurant customer sized sized bags of sugar. Stirring it with a teaspoon given in that wrapped thing with a paper band holding it together that he had previously teared off to get to the tea spoon.

 

"That was low Dwalin."

 

"You were the one who stated 'bachelors for life'."

 

"Enough. Your drunk don't tell me Nori got into another fight."

 

"Dori did along with Ori." He rubbed his eyes.

 

 

"With who?"

 

 

"Tokora."

 

 

"Tokora Stormfury, the Bane of orc-kind, defender of Ragack and Queen of Ragack?"

 

"The very one."

 

"Nori broke it up, she quite likes Nori."Dwalin noted a twinge of jealousy colored his tone. Thorin started his first cup of coffee just as Dwalin finished his fifth beer.Dwalin had never been shy about his feeling he told you if he hated your guts or praised a job well done, with women however he wasn't as good. 

 

 

"Let me guess she thinks your gay?"

 

 

"Yes."

 

"She was joking, she probably thinks you have eyes for Ori."

 

 

"She's younger than Tokora." Dwalin stated stunned.

 

"Has it ever occurred to you she has self esteem issues as well those human children did a number on whatever remained of her ego and self esteem. She never told any one except her actual friends. How they did it was say she would look in the mirror and the mirror would break. How she would probably never have any kids." Thorin explained as he continued his cup of coffee.

 

"She offered Nori a job as Head spymaster that's something he more than earned because he not only has the skills but could be bothered when those human's from the nearby town picked on her. He stood up to them for her that means a lot." Thorin explained as his steak came out being set on the table.

 

Half an hour later the bill was paid a generous tip of thirty gold and twenty silver pieces. Thorin had to pull Dwalin away from the beer and make sure he got home okay which was a hard feat considering how strong Dwalin was.

 

A week later Dwalin confronted him with the knowledge he had been seeing 'Bilbo' the thief and the implications of her stealing from a royal was severe. Five years imprisonment may not seem so bad but it would be to Thorin waiting that long would feel ,wrong.

 

 

"You know the penalty the evidence is stacked against her. And you."

 

 

"You know you could be stripped of your status as heir apparent and passed over fer leadership as future King."

 

 

"Dwalin do yourself a favor and shut up." Thorin growled. Dwalin as usual refused this the rest of the argument was a heated 'duel' in Khuzdul the resulting argument led to the breaking off of their former friendship and it wasn't likely something either of them would forget. Dwarves don't forgive nor do they forget except maybe Tokora's family, they are the exception. 

 

Dwalin didn't tell Balin what happened but it did lead to a bloody lip on Thorin and a few fractures in Dwalin's arm something that Oin handled excellently with that handy bone re-generator. Handy device that one. 

 

 

Though apparently the only thing he would say on the matter was : "He loves that bloody woman than his former best friend."

 

 

Love is blind in this case it was more than that. It was enough that he withheld information from the authorities which could lead to problems if Dwalin said anything which he wouldn't without risking Thorin's fury. That isn't something you want especially considering that Thorin can kill someone without hesitation and has done it minus only one person. He should've seen it then when he points a gun at someone their usually is a good reason and he usually either kills them or forces them to surrender. He hesitated, Thorin _never_ hesitates ever not in that kind of life or death situation!

 

One day he gave notice that he was taking a leave of absence from his work place never telling his family where he was headed. He just up and left Ered Luin for two weeks and returned far happier than he was before. A bit more skip to his step and everything seemed lighter emotionally he was a bit more teasing. He seemed to be much happier which not only was creepy to his younger siblings but to his nephews. Tokora brushed it off by saying "he must've got laid" a statement which might have been entirely true.

 

He had been given the Dragon Ring and when his nephews tried it on it made them entirely invisible they played pranks on their uncle at least until the ring changed size and rolled towards their uncle Thorin. Picking up the ring he leveled the boys with a amused smile before pocketing the ring. Returning to whatever it was he was doing.

 

"Oi Thorin!" Dwalin shouted. Thorin cringed fishing from his pocket the Dragon ring putting it on and turning invisible. He heard the cockery shatter behind him, his sister! She was cursing him out in Khuzdul as he left the room invisible.

"Damnit Thorin!"

 

 

The blood fever kills you slowly like hot flashes they come and go slowly torturing you until it is sedated. It will flare up slowly then when it is at full strength the effects are more profound and very destabilizing. The process of such may repeat twelve times before coming to an apex. He stumbled taking off the dragon ring when he reached the living room pocketing the ring once more. Dis went over told her sons to go play in their rooms and went to help her older brother. She sat him down on the couch his temperature rose higher.

 

"Its the blood fever." Dis said as her brother breathing became labored.

"Should we get Oin?"

 

 

"I don't think he can help with this..."

 

"Thorin?" Dis said as Thorin fell unconscious. Dis went through his cell phone contacts calling a Bella in his contact's telling her what was going on.

She came as quickly as she could she was the hobbit who apparently robbed us. Even worse the outcome without her isn't good in fact that's probably the reason he refused to turn her in. If he'd done that he would have died soon enough when the blood fever strikes you, death can result if you ignore the urges long enough. Sometimes a good few dwarrow's died because of this. She and him would have to figure this out in their own time.

Indeed they did and Thorin's own Blood fever subsided this time for real because of the love between them.

 

"Ferron."

 

"Deaero."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to post for a while for a reason real life sucks and now I have to deal with it.

**Author's Note:**

> Blood fever is like recognition in ElfQuest, or like the Pon Farr as for Star Trek's Vulcans. I don't own either.


End file.
